Random Thought 12

A Year in the Life.

As inevitably happens when I am moving (again) to a new city to start a new life, I am reminded in some way or another of the many memories I have of the past year.  This time, I am lucky enough to be reminded of and reconnect with the people I was really close to in my hometown in California as well.  Memories of people, events, even just the little things, are so very precious; they remind me of what I have learned, how I should go forward, but also what I have lost.  Moving five times in five years has meant meeting a lot of people who have come and gone in my life, people I would have liked to have kept in touch with, but just. . . haven’t.

It is a month before my next move (another across state lines – it gets old after a while), and once again I am filled with anxiety, stress and nostalgia as well as incredible excitement for what is to come.  I’m getting used to these feelings and now just recognize them for what they are and try to just get through the month or so that this occurs.  You see, I stop sleeping well, I have crazy, disturbing dreams, and I get these crazy urges to get in touch with people I remember who, in all likelihood, don’t remember me at all.  I think it’s part of the societal urge of human nature to re-connect with people to show that you mean something to someone.

This past year has been fantastic.  There were ups and downs, ins and outs.  I spent almost two and a half months unemployed, I adopted two cats, I got into an incredible graduate program, and I (finally) lived in the same city as my older sister for the first time in over a decade.  I admit, I am leaving this place with only a few people I will be keeping in touch with, but I’m pretty fine with that.  I would rather keep in touch with a few people forever, than many people for only a month or two.  When I contemplate the year I have, I am amazed at how much things have changed, at how much I have changed. 

When it all comes down to it, I have to admit how lucky I am that I have been able to meet and know all of the great people I have crossed paths with on this walk of life.  For some, I wish our paths had crossed longer, and for others (not many), I wish it had been shorter. 

I hear about all the great things happening to people, and all I want to do is wish them well.  With the technology age as it is, and social networking sites bringing people closer to eachother through the internet, it has become easier for me to do so, but there is still something lacking when you don’t live in the same place as these people anymore.  The disconnect is larger than some may think.

As I prepare for another move, I do wonder if I’ve accomplished anything in the past couple years.  So many friends and family are deep in their careers, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, doing great things.  I wonder what I have to show for myself, and if that’s really worth much in the grand scheme of things.  People inevitably wonder “what if” and I am no stranger to the feeling – what if I had stayed in California, what if I hadn’t moved to the East Coast, what if I had moved back to Ireland, what if, what if, what if.  I think it’s those “what ifs” that help me realize, more than anything else, that I am, for the most part, exactly where I want to be right now.  I don’t want to be in the same place next year, obviously, but for right now, this is good.  And even if I don’t have much to show for the 2 years I have spent away from education, it was the right thing for me to do, and I don’t regret it. 

Family, friends, memories, this has been quite ”a year in the life”.

Random Thought 11

“Never give up, never surrender.”

First of all, if you know where that quote comes from, welcome to being a geek.  It’s fun, and I highly recommend the practice.

I had a mini epiphany the other night.  I fully believe that everything happens for a reason, that fate and free will are complexly intertwined to create a destiny each of us are meant to fulfill.  For that reason, I believe that my time spent in cities on the East Coast and in the Midwest not only taught me something but prepared me for what lies ahead.  I think that even if you don’t believe in fate or destiny, you should still look at everything you do or everything that happens to you as a learning experience.  Sometimes bad things happen, but you can either wallow in it or you can take it, learn from it and grow into a better person. 

Throughout this past year, I learned to never give up, to never surrender to the outside forces (and the doubts inside me) trying to test me or tear me down.  I’ve been known to be a little tenacious . . . or a lot, depending on who you are talking to.  But when things get to be difficult, even just a little bit, it can be really easy to contemplate just giving up and giving in to whatever is bringing you down.  I suppose I should state that my life experiences are in no way the worse that could happen to me, and I don’t want to belittle the horrors that have happened to other people.  I have been incredibly blessed that I have managed to go through life relatively unscathed, and that my learning experiences haven’t been permanently damaging in one way or another.  For those people who have had truly awful things happen to them, or have done truly awful things, I can only hope that they work through it and use that to be stronger and better human beings.  Sometimes there is no going back to the way things were before, but sometimes, it is necessary to simply move on, no matter how difficult that really is. 

What I have learned and experienced during the past year has definitely taught me a lot.  I think if I had to sum it up into one sentence, it would definitely be “never give up, never surrender” or even “when the going gets tough, the ______ get going”  (My Dad puts in our familial nickname to personalize it a little.  You don’t need to know what that is.)  No matter how much we used to roll our eyes at it, I know my sisters and I love to hear it.  For that reason, I definitely suggest one of these as a personal motto so that you can think about it when you have to, you can repeat it when you need it.  They are simple phrases, but can mean a lot.

I was unemployed for almost 3 months at the beginning of 2008.  Right when the economy was starting its turn downward, all of a sudden I found myself without a job and with no prospects.  I mean, I had just finished applying to grad schools, so I knew for certain that (if I got in) I wouldn’t be working a corporate job for much longer, and I think that negative idea worked its way into my interviews (even though I never told any of them my real plans).  No restaurant was hiring (the Midwest in January and February?  Please, everyone just wants to stay inside), and I ended up having to ask my parents for money just to keep my head above water.  What savings I had was gone, and I didn’t really have health insurance.  It’s not pleasant being unemployed, and I knew that even though I was going back to school, I couldn’t go eight months without a job.  I am lucky that all I had to worry about was feeding myself and my cats.  I don’t have children to worry about, or a house or anything like that, and it was hard enough on me; I can only imagine what unemployed people with families are going through right now.  But it got better, and I did end up finding a job – two, in fact – but what people don’t realize is that I’m still having a hard time getting back on my feet.  I have this issue with spending money and while I did really well not spending it when I didn’t have any, I have a harder time saving it when I do. 

While I was unemployed, I was accepted to the graduate program I will be attending in a couple months.  However, I was also rejected from all the other schools I had applied to.  I could have waited another year and re-applyed, but I couldn’t bear the idea of giving up just because I didn’t get into every school I applied to.  It’s really hard being rejected after spending countless hours researching and getting my applications ready.  But that doesn’t mean I was going to give up just because things didn’t turn out the way I thought they would.  To make things even better, I didn’t get funding to the school I got into, which is a common plight among grad students at public universities.  When you are faced with the prospect of $40,000 in loans for just one year, it’s a little disheartening.  I knew there was a slight chance I may be able to find a graduate assistantship (kind of like a teaching assistantship, only you are doing some other work), and I just started applying.  One month after getting a new job, I was sending out applications and resumes again.  It’s not a fun thing to do, let me tell you.  But I didn’t give up, I wouldn’t allow myself to be resigned to the fact that I would be saddled with a huge loan for just one year of post-undergraduate education (PhDs in academia don’t make as much as others with higher education degrees).  It’s not an easy thing to live with, I promise you.  But I didn’t give up and I kept applying (I think I applyed to every singe PA offered, even ones that I was in no way qualified for).  And I got something.  I got a project assistantship that offered tuition remission.  That’s huge.  I got the job when I didn’t think I was going to, but kept going anyway.  And it can potentially support me the entire time I’m in the program (based on if they like me enough to keep me on – it is a huge committment, you know). 

Now, once again, I am embroiled in moving preparations.  Five moves in five years when you are only in your 24th year of life is really hard!  I have moved 5 times across state lines in 5 years.  I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and proud of what I will be doing for the next 7 years.  I know it won’t be easy, but I also know that when things get difficult, I have an incredibly strong net of support in my family, my friends and my faith.  The past two years spent in the corporate world have grounded me and made me more responsible than many people thought I could be – than I thought I could be.  And it’s because of my family, the support of my parents and sisters (one in particular – I’m not going to lie, I think my older sister has done more for me in the past couple years than I could ever hope to repay her for), the friends I’ve kept in touch with who have helped me know that not only can I do it, but it’s okay to be a little strange and way more fun, really.  And most importantly, I have built a strong faith for myself that follows not only what I believe, but what a Church with centuries of tradition believes as well. 

As a last little message – I know I have have been blessed in more ways than many people can hope for.  To those of you in pain, I urge you to recognize what holds you up and to just look around and take all the bad things that are happening, learn from them and don’t let them beat you down.  There is always someone you can talk to, and someone who cares, even if you think that no one does.  Please remember to not give up, not surrender to the evil out there.

The human spirit does incredible things when we allow it to.

Torture and Terrorism

Do the ends really justify the means?

This issue has come up in many a conversation with my parents, my grandfather and just everyday life.  It’s a rather morbid topic, but since 9/11 and the scandals at the prison camps, the topic of torture used as a means to combat terrorism is (and has to be) on everyone’s minds.

Of course, one of the biggest facets of the argument is what is defined as torture under the Geneva Convention, and what is defined as “cruel and unusual punishment” as stated in the US Constitution/Bill of Rights.  What cannot be denied is that methods of torture have been used throughout history and are closely tied with some of its most memorable events.  Look, for example, at the Spanish Inquisition, or even the Salem Witch Trials.  Two very infamous events in which torture was used to extract confessions.  It has been shown by historians that it is more than likely that the accused told the interrogators what they wanted to hear in order to stop the torture.  So there were confessions and accusations against others, but how much of it was entirely reliable?  We’ll never really know.

Now, hundreds of years after the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials, I think it is accurate to say that the concept of human dignity has reached levels previously unheard of.  In this state, it is acknowledged that life and dignity are sacred, and that the way people are treated should adhere to ideals set forth during the European Enlightenment.

The Geneva Convention set forth laws regarding the treatment of prisoners of war, civilians, and the wounded during a war.  Basically, it says that torture cannot be committed, if a soldier is captured/wounded, he cannot just be slaughtered by the opposing force.  If you want to look at it another way, the Geneva Convention gives a set of guidelines to help countries keep their humanity during a time when all humanity goes out the window.  When the laws set under the Geneva Convention are not adhered to, it is considered a war crime.  I think one of the most famous examples of that could be the crimes of the Nazis and the Japanese during WWII.  More recently, you can look at what happened in Rwanda or in the Balkans during the 1990’s.  In all these examples, the violation of basic human dignity through torture and slaughter can be seen on all sides.  But this is why the Geneva Convention exists - to provide the people of the world with a basis on which to accuse war criminals.  And it has to exist, because if you cannot respect basic human dignity and basic human life, what can you respect?   

War is awful and I don’t think there are many justifications for it, but the violation of basic human dignity should be one of the few.   

But let’s get to the now.  What exactly is happening now, to our country, our way of life because of torture?  As always, I feel the need to say that I love the United States.  I love what the US stands for, I love the Constitution and I fully support the soldiers fighting and risking their lives for me and my family and friends, even though I don’t necessarily support the war itself.  I get so angry when I hear people telling me to never look down on this country and to always support it no matter what and that everything we do is okay because we are America and since we are powerful we can do whatever we want.  Well, you know what?  Remember the line in Spiderman – “With great power comes great responsibility”.  And it is my responsibility to criticize this country when it is necessary to.  As a democracy, as part of a country that espouses freedom, it is my right and my duty to speak out when I don’t agree with something or when I feel this nation has veered off the right course.  And that is what I am doing right now.

Torture is wrong.  Cruel and unusual punishment is wrong.  The death penalty is wrong.  Since 9/11 the government has signed into law bills and laws that blatantly violate our basic freedoms.  Soon when we walk onto an airplane, we are going to have to do so naked to make sure there isn’t any threat.  The American population has allowed Fear to encompass their lives and take away their basic freedoms.  The Constitution of the United States is being destroyed day by day by Republicans and Democrats who are feeding off people’s Fear.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s First Inaugural Address reminded Americans that the “only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  We have forgotten that and have allowed the government and the media change our lives because of fear. 

Yes, there is a real threat out there.  Of course!  There has always been a threat out there, from one place or another.  This is nothing new!  But how can you allow yourself to truly live if you are always afraid? 

(Um, I think I’ve gone off topic.  Well, not really.  I think I can tie this all together.)

So we live in a country that is acting more out of fear than out of the idea that humans should be afforded a basic dignity.  A citizen of the US or not, a prisoner of war or not, humans deserve basic rights that people are all to quick to ignore if it serves their own ends.  One of the arguments is that, since those detained at Guantanamo Bay are not US citizens or technically part of any army, the rules of the Geneva Convention and the US Constitution don’t apply.  That’s wrong, and if you cannot see why that is wrong, then I don’t know how you’ve gotten this far in this article.

The accusations of torture against the US are certainly controversial, and for several reasons.    in the accusation of crimes against humanity perpetrated by WWII criminals, Slobodan Milosovec, etc, etc, the US has always been at the forefront, condemning these actions.  And now, the US is embroiled in torture controversies – from Abu Ghraib to Gitmo.  I won’t touch on the atrocities committed at Abu Ghraib except to say that if your sacred texts were abused in the manner that was done to the Qur’an, would you be okay with it if people said that it was justifiable because it could save thousands of people?  And now, at Gitmo, waterboarding has been justified because it’s not considered “real torture”.  Since it doesn’t physically harm someone, it’s okay. 

Excuse me?  Waterboarding simulates drowning.  Since only those who have almost drowned can truly understand the horror caused, I don’t understand how horrific waterboarding must be.  Or the other tactics purportedly used at the Guantanamo Bay detention camps.  Now, how would you feel if you were waterboarded because you were of a certain ethnicity?  Or told that you had no rights even though you were on US soil and under US jurisdiction (the Supreme Court ruled that the detainees did have rights under the Fifth Amendment in this 2004 decision.

This also brings up the fact that this is contributing to the degradation of our society.  It is totally hypocritical to expect other countries to follow guidelines that you yourself do not follow.  How can we set an example when we don’t follow it ourselves?  Do as I say not as I do?  The US accuses other countries of tortuous acts but expects everyone to turn their heads and ignore what is done here because it’s not as bad as what everyone else is doing.  I mean, seriously.  Any child can see the holes in that argument, it amazes me that grown men and women use it on a daily basis. 

This is a very complicated argument, and not one easily solved.  There are several sides to every story, even if people don’t want to admit to that.  The information gained from torture at Gitmo an other places has supposedly saved many soldiers’ lives and helped the US in the War on Terror.  I understand that argument, but it still doesn’t sit well with me.  It’s not an argument that holds true to my moral and ethical code.  But the question remains, can an act of torture be justified if it saves lives?  Is it justifiable to severely damage (spiritually, mentally or physically) one Iraqi, Afghani, etc, in the hopes that it will save American lives?  Can that ever be justified? 

My final point is: consider it happening to you.  It’s a slippery slope from tortuous acts done to citizens of other countries on American soil to tortuous acts done to Americans on American soil.  And it’s naive to think that it isn’t already happening.